Sunday, February 5, 2017

Excerpt from A is for Adam

1. The Sixth Day

A bug crawled across his face, waking him up.
"All right, all right. I'm up. Jesus." He wasn't sure who Jesus was, since he was the only living human in the Universe; it just seemed like the right thing to say. The bug crawled across his face every morning around this time, so he never overslept. He wasn't sure what would happen if he did oversleep, since he didn't have a job. He rolled over to check the alarm clock by his nightstand. But there was no alarm clock. Or nightstand. Or time.
The bug was hungry. Adam found a large bright green leaf, picked it up off the ground, blew off the dirt that had accumulated on it, and set it in front of his bug friend. Why the insect couldn't find his own damned food was beyond him. But his was not to question the ways of the Universe.
He needed to get dressed and start his day. The garden needed watering, and it wasn't like anyone else was going to do it. He opened the top drawer of his bureau, which was full of several different versions of the same piece of clothing: A leaf, like the one he just fed the bug, with a vine tied in a large loop through it. There was really no need for clothing, since modesty was a thing of the future. No, this wasn't out of modesty at all. This was totally utilitarian, to keep the sheep from nobbling at his privates. He had made several hundred versions of these leaf clothes , mostly out of boredom, and on the last few, he figured out how to make the knot adjustable in case he gained or lost weight. There were plenty of animals for him to slaughter, so he never had to go hungry, but it was a giant pain to have to constantly kill the animals, prepare them, and cook them, every single day. So some days he went without eating and lost a little weight. Fruits and vegetables were abundant, but they did very little to keep the weight on. Plus, he was getting pretty sick of the lack of variety.
One food he was curious about was the Fruit that hung from the special tree in the center of the garden. He was very tempted to eat one, just to see what it tasted like, since it looked delicious. But God said no. He was never sure why God said no. Something about how the tree possessed knowledge, and if he ate the fruits that blossomed from it, he would suddenly know things. At first it all sounded a little like science fiction to him, and a lot like bullshit. And so what if he did know things? What was the harm in that? But who was he to question God? Soon, however, he began to believe that maybe there was some truth to this knowledge thing after all. He often caught one of the goats eating a fallen Fruit from the Tree, and he was beginning to believe that the goat was becoming smarter than him. It had even learned how to walk on its hind legs, and was beginning to speak Arabic. This seemed a little too close to evolution, and he was quite surprised that God didn't put a stop to that right away. If this kept up, soon the monkeys may start turning into people. And that was some real messed up stuff. He stared at the Tree. Some day he was going to eat one of those Fruits. He'd be damned if he was going to be outwitted by a goat.
He stood at the edge of his garden, watering it. And a very large garden it was. Although large compared to what, he wasn't quite sure. There were fig trees and pear trees, juniper bushes and blueberry bushes. He would have been quite proud of it, were pride not a sin. It was beautiful, if he did say so himself, and he took great pains to make it that way. If any visitors did show up, they would be greeted with the most amazing sights and intoxicating smells. He had enough to feed an army, and it was a shame to let this all be for nothing. He couldn't help but feel that it was all quite wasteful. No matter; it wasn't he that was wasting it. It was whomever created this garden. Was that a sin to think that? He hoped not. So far, he was without sin, and he wished to keep it that way.

He had never been far enough out into the garden to lose sight of his own hut, so he had no idea just how massive it was. He had plenty to eat all around him, and there was no need to venture out any farther. But he was sure there was more to see way out there. More delights and wonderments that he hadn't discovered yet. So why not? He was curious, as well as bored. He was hoping curiosity and boredom weren't sins; he couldn't wait until God came out with a list or handbook or something.

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